Relationships and Our Needs
In this day of a global pandemic, many people of all ages, especially those who live alone, are faced with some of the experiences large numbers of older people have known for years.
If we had a dozen single-word descriptors of aging and we took a poll of the most universal and realistic, probably the winning word would be loss. Arguably, the greatest category of losses would be relationships because we can’t live well without them. Relationships are the source of our greatest joys and our deepest sadness. They may trigger a full range of emotions from mild to extreme.
Almost fifty years ago, as a doctoral student in sociology, I was given a research fellowship in gerontology at the North Texas State University Center for Studies in Aging. The most useful bit of knowledge I took away from my two years at the Center, came from a 1969 article by Robert Cole, entitled The Fund of Sociability. Cole’s article could be summarized in three statements. There are human needs that can be met only in relationships. Multiple relationships are necessary, since we cannot have all of our needs met in a single relationship. Our lives become constricted when we lose relationships that meet specific needs and we don’t replace them.
Cole identified five needs we all have that are met only in relationships. We tend to be unaware of our needs when they are met, but when they are not, we know something is wrong even though we may not be able to define what is missing. Cole suggested five feeling words as clues to the type of relational needs not being met. They are loneliness, boredom, emptiness, inadequacy, and anxiety.
In these days of physical isolation, when we are advised to stay connected, I thought about Cole’s article and I decided to make a self-check on my relationships to see if there were people in my personal world that met the five needs mentioned above. Although I found my relational needs met, I became aware of others around me who were struggling with a need to strengthen or build relationships Here’s a check list.
Feeling lonely?
What’s missing is connection and interaction time with at least one person who knows you deeply – how you think and feel in good times and in bad times, at your worst as well as at your best. Just being with people does not alleviate loneliness. What we are looking for are relationships where there are some forms of intimacy – emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical.
For good mental health, psychologists say we need at least one such relationship. You may have more, of course. Most of the time these relationship do not form across generations. These relationships are deep and often long and their loss is felt the same way.
Feeling bored?
The persons who know me best and with whom I can share most deeply are not the ones who keeps me from feeling bored. I also have a need to interact with people with whom I have common interests, goals, or similar life seasons or situations. Many people are feeling bored today because they are missing the people with whom they work, volunteer, or simply have fun by being engaged in activities they mutually enjoy.
A great deal of the time we carry on these relationships outside our homes or with a small group of people invited into our homes. Because of changing times, interests and circumstances, those with whom we form these relationships may change too. At this point in my life, they are mainly in my church and extended family.
I sense the absence of these people most acutely during the pandemic. Social and physical distancing rule out most of them. Fortunately, in this digital age, we do have ways to connect, though they are less satisfying. If you are in a place where small groups of 10 or less can meet, you may not be feeling it as much.
Feeling empty?
The feeling of emptiness comes out of a lack of opportunity to give of ourselves, to take care of someone, to meet needs of others. It is a reason many people involve themselves in volunteer activities. People who live alone and are less mobile may meet this need in caring for a pet.
On the one hand, when I call my church, look at my email or local news, I know there is no scarcity of opportunities to express caring, if I want to engage with others in this way.
On the other hand, I know some people who are finding their caretaking responsibilities a little overwhelming at this point. The best advice I can offer them is to allow others to nurture them. If I want to do more than give advice, I can provide them with something they find nurturing.
Twice in the last five weeks, I’ve gotten a text from a couple of friends saying they were leaving something at our door. Most recently it was a freshly baked batch of oatmeal cookies. They blessed us by giving and we blessed them by receiving.
Feeling inadequate?
This feeling seems to abound these days when demands are put on us to do things we don’t feel prepared, skilled, or trained to do. For some of us it’s teaching children, working at home, or stretching our few dollars in this collapsing economy. For essential workers, it may be the overwhelming workload, or not having what is needed to do their work. What we need is someone to tell us we are doing okay. We all need affirming relationships.
A friend, who always wanted to affirm her hard-working singing ensemble without giving them the impression they didn’t need to improve, often said to them at the end of a performance “You’re doing very well for where you are.” Some of us need to hear those words, especially if we tend to be harshly self-critical.
For those of us who do not easily or frequently offer words of encouragement to others who are trying and doing their best, we could be the friend who lets someone know they are doing well under the circumstances.
Feeling anxious?
Is there anyone not experiencing at least some anxiety about something these days? We feel this way when we don’t know who there is to call on for help when we need it and who will be there to provide the assistance.
We need relationships with others who can give us sound advice out of their expertise, help us physically with a task we can’t do, or simply tell us where to go for help. I call this group of people my poor weather friends.
In the 1990s when I was a principal of a small private school, I gave each teacher and staff person a large heart-shaped campaign-style button with these three statements on it: I love you. I believe in you. I’ll help you. I asked all of them to wear it during the first week of school. I wanted the children to know that every adult in the building was there to offer affection, affirmation, and assistance. We all need that.
Perhaps a benefit of this unusual time in our lives is that it is making me more mindful of the relational needs of others. With the distraction of busyness removed, I’m trying to figure out what I can do to make a difference in the lives of some of those I know.
Joyce A. De Ridder, Ph.D.
May 11, 2020